When you're waiting to become a mother

submitted by Ruth, with responses from Choice Moms

I have to wait until next summer to try to conceive - due to financial as well as work-related constraints - and having all this time to ponder my decision has been both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, it's terribly difficult to have so many months to wait. But of course this also gives me time to fully prepare myself emotionally, physically and psychologically (as well as financially).

To that end, I have created my own private "Bucket List" (swiped the idea from the movie obviously) of things I want to accomplish before having a child. Some of the items are practical, such as learning to sew and teaching myself a working knowledge of things like plumbing, electricity and auto mechanics. Other items are more for my emotional well-being, such as running a half marathon and visiting New York City. And still others are simply frivolous and too embarrassing to mention, but will act to further contribute to my feelings of self-confidence and independence and happiness as I embark on my Choice Mom journey.

This list has really helped me feel like I'm being productive while I wait to start TTC, instead of feeling like I'm just waiting around and doing nothing.

I'm wondering if anyone else has similar projects/plans that they're undertaking before having a child? And to all those Choice Moms out there, are there things you wish you'd done before having your child/children that would have been helpful to you?

Please add your comments to Ruth's blog on this subject (June 3, 2008).

Response from Barbara:
To answer your question about things I wished I'd done before I became a mommy..... bank a lot of sleep. :) I'm also really glad I moved into a bigger house BEFORE my son was born. It meant carrying two mortgages for awhile and freaking out about money, but it was nice to have a larger, newer home that shouldn't require as much maintenance. I traveled a lot before Sam was born too, and I'd highly recommend that. It's not too difficult to travel with an infant, but you really learn to value your sleep and for that reason do a lot less traveling than I did before Sam was born.

There really isn't anything that I'd wished I'd done because it now feels like there isn't anything missing from my life. All the things I thought I'd miss don't really even enter into my mind. I just enjoy being a mommy and seeing my little boy every day so much that I don't even remember what my life was like before Sam. Oh wait - I guess I do miss reading. I just really don't have any "free time" or "down time." When I do get a moment when Sam doesn't need me, I'm usually doing dishes or folding laundry or picking up toys. I would recommend enjoying your free time and your down time. Be grateful for the quiet, slow moments when you don't have anything you need to get done.

Response from Monica:
I'm also a thinker, hoping to be a tryer by next summer. I didn't realize it until your post, but I am doing quite a few things to prepare for life as a single mom. I'm in the process of buying my first home. Based on my budget, the place I choose will most likely need new flooring and paint, and I may have a roommate for a while to help mitigate the expenses of updating.

I'm also developing my political career further, something that would be almost impossible as a single mom, since every organization requires all kinds of meetings, happy hours, conventions, etc. I was recently elected to office for the first time and hope to be elected National Delegate so I can go to Denver in August and nominate Sen. Obama for my state. That's a trip I'd have to pay for on my own - about $3,000 - and I don't see at all how I could do that with a baby.

I'm also spending as much time as possible reading about motherhood, working out, andcarefully considering who/when to tell friends and family. Right now, I'm heavily leaning towards waiting till I get a positive pregnancy test. I have a very opinionated mother who tends to lie awake nights when she's thinking about something, and I think I would be doing her a huge favor not saying anything until there was no going back.

Response by CP:
In hindsight, I would have:

• had plan B and C for childcare, with a mommy's helper-in-training. It is like a hairdresser -- you have to have your two favorites and a back up;
  
• employed more fiscal austerity before having the child. Think simple: visit yard sales;
  
• communicate with people in support groups on the key issues;
  
• be cognizant of early education learning options that are nearby;
  
• plan the christening/announcement in the computer before having the baby so with a push of a button you are done;
  
• find the photographers who will capture these transition periods in advance;
  
• put my name in the waiting list for early childcare;
  
• conserve my leave as much as possible for that time (I managed to take five months and had some leftover but an extra month would have been nice);
  
• be sure home is bug free and rodent free, using an extermination services pre-child;
  
• have access to resources that can address my household concerns responsibly in a snap;
  
• maintain regular contact with some friends so as things change that dip in communication would not impact our relationship;
  
• go to playgrounds and watch little people on my own;
  
• make peace with my vision;
  
• clear my credit card debt;
  
• be ready to start savings bond or baby stock for the little one;
  
• have all the must-do lined up, so it is one push of the button to get a social security card , get a birth certificate, schedule classes for christening;
  
• identify and screen doulas;
  
• adjust retirement plans and insurance plans to recognize your child;
  
• make sure my vehicle is in running order or get one that works with a child;.
  
• exercised more for pregnancy.

Response by Rae
What I'm glad I did before becoming a mom:
1. I made sure I took a trip to Europe to visit relatives and sightsee before I became pregnant;
2. I got into good shape before getting pregnant and I tried to stay that way with my first pregnancy (after pregnancy things fell apart);
3. Looked into good, licensed daycare in my area and put my name on a waiting list while still on maternity leave.

What I wish I had done around the birth of my baby:
1. Bought thank you cards in advance to write for baby gifts. That way, I would have had them on hand after the baby was born.
2. Brought an alarm clock (for feedings) and a knitted baby hat to the hospital with me for my son after he was born (I did not realize the hospital did not supply this.)

What I wish I had done after the birth of my baby:
1. My biggest wish is that I had used more of my maternity leave to also get back into shape - even if this meant leaving my young son more often. Honestly, getting in shape is key to feeling more energetic.
2. Taken more pictures or arranged for a monthly professional shot of my son as he changed from newborn to toddler.
3. I wish I had hand and feet impressions taken of my son for a keepsake.
4. I also wished I had realized that I did not have to watch my son every minute while he slept and that vacuuming or doing things for myself was also permitted at these times.